Before you flee, try the kale juice

As we watch Portland wallow in lawlessness, it's important to get a laugh in once in a while. Thank goodness we have the Port of Portland, always funny but especially when they're not trying to be.

While teenagers stab and shoot each other, while open-air drug markets operate all over town, while 30 cars are stolen every day, while deranged people literally bite innocent bystanders' faces off, while everywhere you turn there's a junkie on the nod, you'll be tickled to know that the never-ending platinum plating of the airport is moving right along. So cheer up! There's gonna be "scratch-made pasta"!

When it debuts it May 2024, 100% of the businesses that travelers find in the main terminal will be Oregon brands, with half “involv(ing) woman or minority ownership,” the Port of Portland announced in a press release Wednesday.

“We’re always aiming to make PDX even more of a reflection of the neighborhoods people love here in Oregon,” Kaitlin Hunter, Senior Manager of Concessions at the Port of Portland, said in the release. “These 20 new shops bring even more of the region’s unrivaled food and shopping scene to our airport.”

New options will include wood-fired pizza, well-known local coffee and tea brands, an Oregon-focused beer hall and a speakeasy, the Port announced. Five of the shops will be accessible to everyone, while an additional 16 (including a second Portland Coffee Roasters) will be found past security.

Well, whoopdee fricken doo, eh? 

The jokes almost write themselves. If they want to reflect the current state of Portland neighborhoods, they're going to need quite a bit of plywood. Maybe the guy slicing the pizza will slash you just to add some realism. One of the local business on the concourse will sell you back your car, which was just stolen from the Economy lot.

And they'd better speed up the timeline; by May 2024 everyone will have left Portland already. Meanwhile, I hope they're offering bulletproof to-go containers for the people staying at the Airport Embassy Suites.


  1. Great. Then I guess that the tourists might as well just stay in the terminal and soak up all of the goodness that Portland has to offer. Heck...even erect some cots with a Mt. Hood background and the sound of running water. Think of the economic benefits that would provide to the Port of Portland.

  2. Those bulletproof to-go containers better not be styrofoam or plastic!

  3. Wonderfully entertaining talking point. Kinda like putting lipstick on the pig when compared to the awful fiscal mess in Portland.
    But, apples and oranges as it relates to funding sources.

  4. Like strip clubs, this town has passed peak speakeasy. We just don't know it yet.


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