Embedded with the weirdos

Anybody who's not tripping on MAGA gaga Gatorade knows that Portland's not a war zone, or anything like one. But with Mudface Caligula constantly describing the city as such, and everybody jumping around accordingly, the headlines do read like dispatches from the front lines, of something...

I see that the federal government attorneys who've been justifying the ongoing prelude to martial law have now admitted to the judges that some of the facts and figures they presented to the court were, ahem, "erroneous"... And now that they've been busted on these falsehoods by the state attorney general, the lawyers who presented them are very, very sorry... If I were a judge, their sorrow would just be getting started... But of course, I am not a judge. There's a background check, for one thing...

Speaking of the 21st Century Gestapo, there's an alarming account on KGW, here, of what they did to a woman who had the nerve to take photos of their license plates while they were on lunch break from tearing apart families... Can you say "false arrest"? Dictaorships sure are interesting...

The fire department is now downplaying the possibility that the fire at Portland City Council member Candace Avalos's house last weekend could have been a targeted attack... Apparently, the blaze started in a storage shed next to her place, and merely spread to her car and house... I dunno, I'm not feeling real reassured... It sounds like they still haven't ruled out that the blaze was deliberately set....

Meanwhile, the rumor on the intertubes is that the Proud Boys are on their way back to Portland, to prove that it's a war zone here... By creating their own war, of course... Keep those fire extinguishers charged, kids...

I learned the other day that the Congresswoman from the 'Couve, Marie Gluesenkamp Perez, has been tagged as the most Trumpian Democrat in Congress. That'll catch her a bunch of flak from the True Blues, but her district is pure purple, and the alternative is a tighty-righty who will have no choice but to kiss up to the red hats even harder than MGP has... Meanwhile, her previous opponent, Trumpy Joe Kent, is now the director of the National Counterterrorism Center, answering to none other than Tulsi Gabbard, who's in charge of national intelligence. I am not making this up... Wonder if he ever amended that tax return... 

Also on the darker side of human nature, the gambling scandals involving ex-Trail Blazer coach Chauncey "X-Ray" Billups have sucked all the attention away from another dirty little story, involving the rival L.A. Clippers team and their star player, Kawhi Leonard. It seems Kawhi (rhymes with "ah, why")  was being paid big bucks in an alleged no-show job... The payor was a prominent Clippers partner, and some observers think that there's an appearance that, golly, maybe the team was skirting the league’s rules about maximum payrolls... The billionaire who owns the Clips (husband of a big-time Duck donor, by the way) is saying all the things you would expect, but he's not exactly exuding innocence... You wonder if the story will fade away quietly. Money, after all, does talk...

Meanwhile, the young Blazers are showing some gumption. They've won a couple of games against the old guys. Maybe the departure of Billups will lead to better days... Getting the new ownership in place would be a good thing, too, but that's likely to take another six months or so. Ya gotta hope that some other surprise doesn't derail the sale...

Are there any bright spots in the news? The World Series is providing some thrills, chills, and even a few giggles... I don't know which White House reaction is going to be more amusing: if a Canadian team wins it all, or if a Japanese guy is named the series most valuable player...

Even brighter, a "guerrilla artist" from Buffalo has shown up in Portlandia and started filling potholes and sidewalk cracks with colorful mosaics... Something you can admire closely when the immigration "agents" have you face-down on the pavement with a foot on your neck....

Jeff Knight is the former food and entertainment columnist of the Jersey Journal.